Zelenskiy Declares Readiness to Work on Peace Plan Between Cabinet Firings

KYIV — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy announced Thursday he is "ready for constructive, honest and prompt work" on a U.S.-backed peace plan, pausing only briefly to fire two more cabinet ministers and assure international donors that this time he's really got the corruption thing under control.

The timing of the announcement, coming just one day after Parliament dismissed two ministers over a corruption scandal, was described by sources as "literally the worst week possible" and "cosmically unfortunate," though others noted it was at least a Wednesday firing and not a Friday one.

"Our teams will work on the points of the plan to end the war," Zelenskiy wrote on Telegram, in between posts advertising his upcoming Netflix series and a motivational quote about perseverance.

Plan Arrives at Challenging Moment

The 28-point U.S. peace proposal, which reportedly asks Ukraine to surrender territory and partially disarm, arrived at what diplomatic sources called "literally the worst week possible," coinciding with military setbacks, Russian advances, and the kind of government scandal that makes international backers nervously check their bank statements.

"Yes, we're losing ground. Yes, we just fired ministers for corruption. Yes, Russia is bombing our power grid again. But other than that, we're negotiating from a position of tremendous strength," said one exhausted Ukrainian official who hasn't slept since 2022.

The official then laughed for forty-five seconds straight before excusing himself.

Europeans Squirm Diplomatically

French Foreign Minister Jean-Noel Barrot attempted damage control in Brussels, insisting that "peace cannot be a capitulation," while carefully avoiding any discussion of what peace can be when your army is retreating and your government just had a corruption scandal.

"We stand with Ukraine," Barrot told reporters, "which is why we're standing here in Brussels, several hundred miles away, making supportive statements that contain no actual commitments."

EU foreign ministers spent hours crafting a response that somehow expressed both unwavering support and profound concern about whether their money was being spent on missiles or someone's third vacation home.

Military Situation Described as 'Dynamic'

The peace talks accelerate as Russian forces control nearly one-fifth of Ukraine and continue their advance, a situation military analysts describe as "not great" and "the opposite of winning."

Video released by Russia's defense ministry showed troops casually walking through Pokrovsk past destroyed buildings, looking like tourists who took a very wrong turn but decided to just go with it.

General Valery Gerasimov personally informed Putin that Russian forces had captured Kupiansk, in a claim that Reuters diplomatically noted it "could not independently verify," which is journalism-speak for "maybe, maybe not, who knows anymore."

Ukrainian officials countered that the military situation remains "under control," a phrase they've been using with decreasing conviction since approximately 2022.

Corruption Scandal: Impeccable Timing

Parliament's decision to fire two cabinet ministers on Wednesday—just hours before the peace plan arrived—was praised by officials as evidence of Ukraine's commitment to good governance and cursed by those same officials as "the worst possible PR timing in human history."

"Yes, it's inconvenient to be proving we can't keep our own ministers honest while asking the world to trust us with peace negotiations. But at least we're catching the corrupt ones! That counts for something, right? Right?" explained one government spokesperson, voice rising slightly with each question.

International donors praised Ukraine's anti-corruption efforts while quietly updating their disbursement oversight protocols and hiring additional auditors.

Trump Promises 'Beautiful' Peace Deal

The Trump administration declared discussions with both Ukraine and Russia were going "very well," using the same tone of voice typically reserved for saying a house fire is "mostly contained."

White House spokeswoman Karoline Leavitt confirmed that Secretary of State Marco Rubio and special envoy Steve Witkoff were having "good conversations" with both sides, which diplomatic experts interpret as "everyone is talking but no one is listening."

President Trump is expected to meet with Zelenskiy "in the coming days," in what promises to be either a breakthrough diplomatic moment or an extremely awkward conversation between a man who's losing territory daily and a man who wrote "The Art of the Deal."

Sources confirmed the meeting will take place after their disastrous March confrontation but probably before Ukraine loses any more cities, ideally.

Russia Pretends Not to Care

Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov told reporters that Russia had "nothing to add" to Putin's previous positions, which include Ukraine ceasing to exist as an independent country, several former Soviet republics rejoining Russia, and a pony.

"We're not desperate for talks," Peskov insisted, while Russian forces continued their slow westward advance, bombarded Ukrainian cities, and generally acted like people who would very much like talks to happen soon.

Putin visited military command posts in what analysts described as "a photo-op for a man who's discovered that not answering the phone is an excellent negotiating tactic."

What Comes Next

Zelenskiy's office said the president expects to discuss the plan with Trump soon, assuming no more ministers need to be fired and the Russians don't capture any more cities before breakfast.

"We're ready for honest, constructive dialogue about how much of our country we're willing to not have anymore, which weapons we'll agree not to have, and whether we can please stop having corruption scandals during peace negotiations," said one Ukrainian diplomat.

The diplomat added: "And yes, we're still accepting financial assistance. We've eliminated 100% of the corruption we've discovered so far, which we estimate is maybe 60% of the total corruption. Progress!"

At press time, European officials were drafting a statement expressing continued support for Ukraine while attaching seventeen new conditions to future aid packages and requiring monthly receipts.